The Den of Ill-Refute

12:48am: It makes me feel sad when I stop reading someone else's entry because I think it is boring. It makes me remember that most of what I write is not exactly page turning material, but even so, I can't help what I think about other people. Just because I want people to read my stuff does not mean I am obligated to read or like theirs. I do try to read everyone;s stuff, but sometimes I just don;t care.

Whether it is because I find their actual life boring, their word choice poor, or they simply aren't saying something particularly interesting that time, I skip a lot of stuff. I feel guilty b/c I would be upset if I truly knew how many people skip my stuff as opposed to just assuming thy do.

I have been wanting to re start my hand written diary. I feel like it would be better to record my thoughts there, away from the public. I am not sure why. I think I am just no longer in the frame of mind that thinks sharing my mind with the world at large is a good idea. I am not afraid that people are laughing at me, bored by me, or not even reading, but that I am sort of taking up space. These words are personal and wouldn't mean anything to anyone unless they asked me lots of questions. If I am the only one who knows what I mean, why post my words in public?

I used to fantasize that someone would read and want to strike up a conversation, but that has only happened once and she turned out to be a wierdo. I also sometimes hope that strangers read in secret and are getting some sort of help or insight from my thoughts and feelings, but that's just silly narsiccism. So, why? I don;t know. I liked the idea of leaving the words here just because why not, but now,maybe I should rein them in. Who knows who is reading and what they saying about me or how they are using my words?

I used to like writing by hand, but fell out of the habit. Maybe doing it again would help me see some things inside me that have hitherto been invisible. Maybe I will simply feel more comfortable. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud and waiting on a train.

9:32pm: I am somewhat down today.I felt worse yesterday. Was it a depression downswing? I think so, but maybe not. I think it was mostly b/c things are not going to workout with this girl I really like. I felt like shit after we argued and it looks like she is not willing to forget the argument, but make it a big deal. Frankly, I am inclined to agree. I want things to work and would love her to be my girlfriend, but as much as we have in common, we are not compatible in key areas. Maybe it is just one area.

I am flexible and am willing to bed to please my partner, she is not. She has very rigid guidelines for what she wants in a man and she refuses to deviate. She thinks that just because she had bad luck in the past with assholes, she will have bad luck again if she compromises. I don't look at life so strictly. I know that there are some things I can't and won't compromise on, but mostly, I feel that a relationship is all about compromise and learning to accept people and all thier faults. I really like her and wishes she thought the same way, but no. And that really made me sad.

I was moping all day today and felt pretty shitty. Now, I am somewhat better. I am so damn tired of not being able to meet someone I can connect with. That is all I want. I want a partner I can love and who loves me back. I want to be accepted for all my faults and positive traits. I want to accept someone for all their good and bad traits. I want to be thought beautiful. I want to be thought cool and smart and worth something. I want someone else to think I am just perfect.

I want a girl I can sit around the house all day with and watch movies or just do nothing and she will be fine with that.
I want a girl who will tell me I just told a stupid joke.
A girl who will tell me stupid jokes and get all my obscure references, or at least most of them.
I wants a girl who thinks it is sexy for me to sing badly.
I wants a girl who likes to cook or at least likes to watch me cook.
I would love to love a girl who says gay, retarded, whatever, and your mom as much as I do.
I want a girl I can argue with and be okay with that b/c she knows arguing is natural and no big deal.
I want a girl who is devoted to me, but has a strong, independent spirit.

I want a girl I can play video games with or watch play or who likes to watch me play.
If she hates video games, I want a girl who doesn't care if I play them all night.
I want a girl who likes wrestling, watching it and doing it.
I want a girl who will help me sort my porn collection and search for better stuff.
I want a girl who likes riding bikes, swimming, doing silly things like putting food in people's mail boxes.
I want someone who is a real live girl and loves me because I am a real live boy.

I want to be happy with someone. I want to share my life with someone. I want to create an Us.

Is that too much to ask? Some nights, I think so based on my bad luck.

Please, God, help me find a girl who is not crazy, selfish, evil, bitchy, obsessed with materialism, obsessed with things she can't change, and who is not ignorant or boring. Help me find a really cool person.

3:00am: i like feeling happy. i am glad to be happy. I feel like I will be okay. how long will this confidence last? i have no clue, but that's okay, because I know I have some backup and that feels great. So, forget the past and the whore who cut me. that's gone now. not buried, but getting there, but really, fuck it. i am moving on as best I can and i am happy to do so. i hope and i pray that I am not hallucinating. doubts abound, but that's natural. I am confident i will remain happy and forward looking. yay for birds. i like birds.

12:15pm: they say I am supposed to bounce back. they say i am supposed to move on, forget the pain, get over the hurt, and just be happier. they say this while they have husbands, wives, and lovers and close friends. i lost my lover and i lost my last close friend. then i lost my ibook and the ibook i bought to repalce that one. i now have no ibook, no love, and no money, with no job. so, how exactly do i just get over that?

If i had someone to commiserate with, to cry with, to share my pain with, maybe I could get over "it", but for now, I do not. I don't want to just wallow in misery, but it's a good option right now. I am sad and see no hope on the horizon unless someone can convince my best friend to take me back. i want love and i want to be liked. i like you, i love you, i miss you.

4:09pm: Is this worth my 1st post? Damn strait.
Wake up you sleepy head.
Put on some clothes, shake out your bed.
Put another log on the fire for me!
I've made some breakfast and coff-i-hee
I Look out the window what do I see?
A crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me...
All the nightmares came today,
And it looks as though they're here to stay.

What are we coming to?
No room for me, no fun for you.
I think about a world to come,
Where the books were bound by the golden ones.
Written in pain, written in awe,
By a puzzled man who questioned
What we were here for.
All the strangers came today
and it looks as though theyre here to stay.

Oh! You pretty things! (oh you pretty things)
Don't you know youre driving your
mamas and papas insane?
Oh! you pretty things! (oh you pretty things)
Don't you know youre driving your
mamas and papas insane?
Let me make it plain!
You gotta make way for the homo superior.

Look at your children;
See their faces in golden rays.
Don't kid yourself, they belong to you.
They're the start of a coming race.
The earth is a bitch,
We've finished our news,
Homo sapiens have outgrown their use.
All the strangers came today
and it looks as though they're here to stay.
Let me make it plain!
You gotta make way for the homo superior!

What is this song about? Does it speak to you as it speaks to me? Would you speak to me about that? I'm just some dude with hopes and fears, just like you. Behave accordingly and let's explore the present together while flipping off the future.