The Den of Ill-Refute

12:29am: 30 Days of You Meme, day 19
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail

There's a few different things I regret doing in my life. I've actually written about them many times so I don't feel like going into them again. I've learned to move past many things I used to feel very bad about, but there are still some core descions I have made that have which shaped my current problems in life. I would definitely change these choices if time travel were possible. They were very bad moments in my life and led to nothing but damage. I won't go into any today, but I will at least list them. These have staid with me due to the nature of the event surrounding them. I've worked backwards thru my memories shedding many, but keeping regrets where I think a change in the choice would lead to major benefits for those involved.

1. Not so much a regret, just hindsight understanding, but I wish I had been smart enough to save money as a kid. I was given lots of cash as a boy and it was always spent very soon. My parents never taught me how to save, so I wish I had been smart enough to think of it on my own.

2. I should have jumped when I had the chance in 1991. This would have solved everything.

3. In 1996, I threw away all the notes my best friend had passed to me in class after we broke apart. That was really stupid. I really miss the notes. I used to say I would go back and stop myself from ruining the friendship, but I'm not so sure it would not have happened later and worser anyway.

4. In 1999 I literally turned my back on my best friend in a trying time for him. I should not have.

5. In 2001, I was given a second chance with my best friend from high school and completely ruined it. I did something specific that I greatly want to correct. The second chance was drifting away already, but this mistake sealed the door forever. If I had had self control, things wold have progressed very differently.

6. In January 2003 I moved from Detroit, MI to Atlanta, GA. This was a big mistake. It led to some fortuitous meetings, but mostly a lot of trouble, stagnation, and suffering. This is one my worst mistakes. I would have been much better off, as would some others, had I stayed in Detroit at that time. There are at least 3 specific events I regret that stem from this regret, so it is more efficient to change this one.

7. I should not have left the Navy in January 2010. I should have been stronger and tried harder to adapt. I should have been more aware of my options. I really needed the Navy and I failed myself which led to failing others.

8:10pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 16
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail

Some of these topics are pretty embarrassing.

I sort of had a girlfriend in high school. I don't always like to count her as such because it was high school and who cares about high school, but mostly because we only lasted 2 months, 6 days as a couple and never really did anything or went places, so it doesn't seem like much of a relationship in hindsight. While "together", I kissed her once, but she didn't kiss back, so I also don't like to count that as my first kiss. I do remember necking at a movie theater some time after that psuedo-kiss, but I can't remember if we actually touched lips. This is not slight on her memorability, but my powers of recollection. I have a really bad memory, despite evidence to the contrary.

My memory sort of works when it wants to with no rhyme or reason. There are many "important" events I can't really recall, but others are in fine, painful detail. I can also remember the most utterly random junk but still not much significant. So, the girl I asked out in 10th grade was amazing, but I can't remember all that much of our friendship or subsequent 2 month, 6 day tryst. All my fault, not hers, but I digress.

Depending on whether I ever fully remember if me and my girlfriend kissed in that theater hallway, my first real, or 1st mutual kiss, was with a girl named Karin. I was in 10th grade, living in Lithonia, GA. She was a mutual friend with my then Best Friend, Aimee. The three of us, plus Aimee's cousin Tiffany and her other friend Allison, were together most weekends. I loved that circle and still miss them dearly. We had such great times together. On one such night of being awesome, the girls were at my place. They had stopped by to see if I wanted to go anywhere and we just ended up hanging out awhile. Idle hands do in fact tend to lead to trouble.

I should explain something before we continue. The house I lived in at the time was really damn gay. I didn't have a real bedroom and there was not much of an upstairs. When you came up the staircase, you were standing in an open area of maybe 80 square feet. This loft type space overlooked the entire downstairs except the kitchen. It was a very small house. Next to the loft space was a bathroom and next to that was a bedroom. My little sister got the bedroom, I got stuck in the open air market. People would just traipse up and down the steps to the bathroom all day long and be privy to all my stuff and doings. It was bloody aggravating.

So, on this night, me and my friends were hanging out in my area doing not much. At some point I take them all downstairs to see if they are thirsty and because it got hot in that area. You would think with only two walls heat couldn't build up in the summer, but you'd be wrong. We are all now in the living room on the couches. Allison and Aimee are drinking water, the rest of us nothing. For some reason I suggest to Karin that we all go back upstairs so we don't wake my mother whose bedroom was downstairs, next to the living room and front door. Apparently Karin is the only one who heard me say this as we are the only two who proceed back to my area.

Problems are now looming. Me and her are talking and the other three still have not joined us. We are both sitting on my bed when Karin lays back to stretch. She stays down and I look at her and smile. I forget what we say, and how long we talk, but eventually, I end up on top of her. Now, don't even look at me like that as it was not meant to be like that at all. This is where things get embarrassing and it really does make me feel bad.

Like I mentioned, no idea what we were talking about, no idea why the other girls had not come back upstairs yet, but I think me and Karin were wrestling or something. That's the only reason I can think of how I ended up straddling her and pinning her arms to the bed. (shut up, Jason.) She's pinned down and I remember being in her face, smiling. I remember leaning down and smiling at her and she smiled, too.

Now, as if things weren't looking bad enough as it is, it was slightly dark in my room. I had turned the off the to help reduce the heat. It was also fairly dark downstairs. So, we are there on my bed, me on top of Karin and we are smiling and saying stuff. In my head, I totally thought I was being friendly. In my head, this was all innocent fun. In my head, I was just goofing off with a friend. I meant no harm and nothing sexual as I had a girlfriend who I really liked. Sure, in hindsight it was just a high school thing, but back then, she was really important to me.

With all that in mind, I leaned closer to give Karin a small kiss on the lips. It was just going to be a friendly peck, I swear. Well, she had other plans. No sooner had our lips touched than she was sliding her tongue in my mouth. It really happened quite fast. I was not intending to kiss her in such a way, but I didn't have time to stop her and ended up going along with her. It's not as if was her "fault", there really isn't a fault, but I had not been thinking "I want to make out with Karin". I just wanted to be friendly. It all seemed to make perfect sense at the time.

We kiss and we get up and head back downstairs to see what's going on. Everyone is sort of quiet. I was somewhat suspicious, but didn't really think of it at the time. I ask if anyone wants to do anything and Tiffany says they're going to go ahead and leave. After they were gone, I was walking upstairs and remembered where I was headed. Depending on where they were standing, anyone could have had a clear view of my bed from downstairs. I felt like a heel.

The kiss itself was neither good nor bad. It was my first so I had nothing to base it on. It was a little wet and Karin smoked so it didn't taste that good, but it was interesting. I would not have turned down more. As for the aftermath of the kiss, it was not so nice.

My girlfriend dumped me a week or so later. Her exact words were,

"I just don't think we are making each other happy."

I was totally shocked. I really liked her and thought we were having a great time together. I had no proof, and no one ever admitted it, but I was certain Allison, Aimee, or Tiffany told her about the kiss. I even suspected Karin of doing it. I was really ashamed and sad, but couldn't do anything about it. My girl seemed very resolute in her descicon, and this was reinforced the next day when I went to pick her up from 1st period, as usual. That's when I saw her walking with some douchebag White guy in 9th grade. Again, the this was the very next day after she dumped me. I saw them coming out of class and was just dumbfounded.

I had planned to apologize and ask her if she was sure she wanted to break up, and if we could at least remain friends, but I couldn't speak. They walked right past me, giggling and talking, as if I were invisible, and I followed dejectedly a moment or so later. Of all the guys at school, she had to dump me for a 9th grader! Ninth grader! I still hate David Issa to this day, but I digress.

A short time later, me and Karin kissed more and made out at her place once. It never went anywhere and neither of us ever expected it to; it was just fun. That doesn't make me look very good, I know, but I still beleive I never intended on kissing her, at least not in that way. We stopped making out soon after we started when Karin informed the circle she was now gay. It was shocking to say the least and caused some its own little drama.

Me and my ex never became friends again and never even really spoke after she dumped me. I wrote her a letter once, and gave it to her in person at her house, but she never responded. I really do regret the kiss and wanted to be friends, because as I said, she was a really great girl. I'll always wonder if she dumped me over the kiss cos someone told her or had been planning to leave me for Issa all along...Man I hate that little queer.

Bet you never knew a first kiss could be so complicated, eh?

12:35pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 10
Day 10, What You Wore

"Yeah, the door is open, come on up."
...

"Hey, wh-, For the love of god! Why is it everytime I come here you are with the naked?"
"Because I like to let my body breathe. Keeps me looking lesbo fabulous."
"Tsk tsk, such a potty mouth."
"Wait what, since when is lesbo dirty?"
"Since you let that crazy bitch Mary start coming to Movie Night."
"Oh, well...yeah, I guess she is a bit militant."
"Yeah, to say the least. Anyway, put some clothes on dude, I have news."
"Oh, dear. Last time you had "news" I ended up getting a talking to from Ben and James."
"It is not MY fault that you went around telling other folks the gossip meant for you."
"But it is your fault that you told Ben and James I was doing it."
"Well, serves you right, Mr. Kiss and Tell."
"It was not a kiss!"
"As if. Anyway, listen."
"I was already listening."
"So, keep it up--"
"With you around, not a problem."
"OH, wow, eww. Ok, so Ben and James are STILL having sex."
"The hell? No, no they aren't!"
"Yes, yes they are. Sex, sex, and more sex."
"And how do you know this?"
"Cos I slept over at Ben's last night and James snuck in later. They thought I was sleeping, but I heard all the heavy grunting."

"Oh, dear. I am shocked and appalled."
"I know! It's like they both are gluttons for punishment."
"You would think they'd have more self respect for themselves."
"Well, James, sure, but Ben has always been sort of a whore."
"True, but how many time have they broken up?"
"I don't know, but more times than Haley and Ally."
"Woooooow. Isn't she your friend?"
"I'm just saying. So, what are we gonna do about Ben and James."
"Nothing. If the AIDS thing didn't work nothing will."
"Come on, that was pretty lame as far as rumour mongering goes."
"I guess, but if spreading the news that James has the AIDS doesn't stop Ben from sucking him off, what will?"
"Dude, Ben was in the room when we made up the lie!"
"He was drunk! It should have worked!"
"And you should put on some pants."
"FIne, fine. Man shouldn't have to wear pants in his own house if he don't wanna, but if it will calm your delicate lesbo nerves, than fine."
"Thank you, thankie."

"So, are you sure this party is worth my time. I hate parties."
"They will have tacos."
"Tacos are nice, but I wanted to masturbate tonight."
"You can masturbate there. There's a bathroom."
"Well, I am a fan of bathrooms..."
"See, there you go, tacos and bathrooms, what more do you want?"
...

"Hey, what's up? No, no, I'm going to that party with Diana. Um, hold on."
--Whose party is this again?

"It's at Joel's."
"Joel's place. Hold on."
--Does Joel still hate Danny?"

"Yes."
"She says yes."
--What if he brings Collin?

"I hate Collin."
"She hates- Since when do you hate Collin?"
"Whatever dude."
"She says whatever, oh wait, I think that was at me. Look, I don't know, come or not. It probably won't be a cool party anyway. They won't have tacos. Yeah, ok, see ya later."

"Really? We're lying about the presence of tacos now just to keep Danny away?"
"It's all for his benefit. Now, what's this with you and Collin?"
"Nothing, I'll tell you in the car. You're not wearing that are you?"
"What's wrong with this?"
"I don't know. You just look kind of gay."
"Dude, bump you, I'm telling Mary."
"Whatever, she don't scare me. You just put on a non-gay shirt."
"OK, but when you get a call from the Lesbians Against Insenstive Slang taskforce, don't come crying to me."
"As if. Yours is the last shoulder I'd cry on. All that dirty Jewness might slip off on me."
"You are such a bitchy dyke, you know?"
"Whatever, least I can keep a girlfriend longer than a week."
"Wow. Why are we friends again?"
"Cos you need my fashion sense. Come here."

6:32pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 9
Day 9-your beleifs

Such a broad and touchy subject, but I shall endeavor to keep my end of the agreement and answer. There's a chance I might offend some of you, but whatever, that's life. Rock and roll deal with it or move on out of my sphere. It's cool either way.


--There's no such thing as a soft drug. There's drugs and the worthless degenerates who waste their money and ruin their lives and bodies with them. Whether you are addicted to alcohol, nicotine, or something else, I will most likely look down on you and we will never be good friends. If you are just too cool for words, we might be able to be casual friends or internet pals, but I would never have enough respect for you to get close with you. There have been people who have become my friend first and then revealed they were drug addicts, thus forcing me to only judge them by their already awarded awesomeness, but this is rare.

--Faith has nothing to do with religion and religion has very little to do with faith. Faith is an internal way of living that helps one navigate life with confidence and hope. It is a compulsion and desire to believe that things can be accomplished though they seem impossible. It's just a way of looking at the world and interpreting what you see. Faith is independent of humans and does not need us to exist, though some may need their faith to exist.

Religion is a creation of men that perverts faith with politics and twists it's purpose into something grotesque. In general, religion is not so bad, as it is just a tool, but men abuse it and misuse it for personal gain. Religion takes faith and misdirects it in order to subjugate people and control them. This has become the norm and that disgusts me. Even though religion is a political tool, it does have good uses when tempered with faith instead of greed and power.

On a separate note, the books that people read to help with their faith can be seen as mutually exclusive from both faith and religion. Books are just books and have no more power or substance than what those who read them imbue them with. You can either use the words to hurt or help, teach or confine. Good books have lessons that are universal no matter who wrote them, or when, and tomes that are seen as "religious" are no exception. You don't have to care about God or believe in Him to read and study the Holy Bible. It has stories and ideas that are good for us all. It's lessons are important to us all. Like any book, the Holy Bible has passages that can be seen as negative and controversial, but that does not negate the other passages. The same goes for any book connected to a religion.


--I hate bigotry of all kinds, but I accept that it is apart of life. Bigotry is ignorance and we are all ignorant until we learn. There is nothing necessarily wrong with being a bigot as long as you don't allow your opinions to harm others or influence your interactions with other people. Bigotry is sort of natural and curable and not inherently a problem. Racism, or any "-ism", is what occurs when ignorance goes unchecked, fueled, and encouraged.

Racism is the active and intentional handicapping of another person's progress simply b/c you dislike their race or ethnicity. You understand there is no rationale behind your hate yet you never seek to change your mind. That's the difference between racism and racial bigotry.

--Love is a many splendored thing and I hope everyone can experience it at some point in their life, on any of its levels. Love is complicated and inexorable and we all have different needs that cannot always be met by one person. We should never force ourselves to be monogomous if we keep finding that we fail at keeping a relationship healthy. Polyamory is not a dirty thing or something for promiscuous people. Polyamory is a way of loving people so that you get all the emotional fulfillment you need while giving someone else what they lack from someone else, too.

It's not about having a bad relationship and wanting to spice it up. It's about love and how sometimes you discover deep, passionate, necessary feelings for more than one person and do not want to cut either person out of your life. It's about feeling something missing in a relationship you truly cherish and seeking that missing piece from another person while still maintaining what you have with the first person. It's about seeking what you need and discovering you really don't love your partner as you thought you did and moving on ambically.

Polyamory is not right or wrong and monogomy is not one or the other either. They are two different ways of living for different types of people.

--i don't beieve in money.
--I don't beleive in outer space.
--I don't beleive in gender roles.

--Magic does not exist. Magic is a different system of asking questions and finding answers. Magic is a place holder that is used when science cannot find an explanation. Once an explanation is found than the situation ceases to be magical. Magic is a possibility that may or may not have once existed and may or may not exist now and may or may not exist again.

--The supernatural is simply phenomena that cannot be explained or defined within the confines of nature. It is phenomena beyond nature. Magic can be seen as super science, that is examining the world around you with a means that is beyond, and different from science. One is not "better" than the other. They both essentially accomplish the same thing, just in different ways.

--most of what any human believes, including me, is a generality, and tends to change in specific situations.

--Morality is a very fluid and dynamic idea. I don't beleive in moral relativism, but I do beleive that context, intent, and circumstances define morality and people. Our experiences are subjective and defined by the immediate context. Things change, consequences are neither good nor bad, we as humans imbue our world with what we feel, thus constantly changing the context, intent, and reasoning of our lives. We must accept these ideas before moving forward.

--There's probably some other stuff I could write about, but I can't remember it right now and this is enough for now anyway.

6:40pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 8
Day 8-A Moment

So, a long time, maybe 2004, there was a girl named Shavon. I met her thru some people from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Shavon was pretty gorgeous. She was tall, light skinned, had long dark hair, and was thick. If you don't know what thick means in reference to women, sorry. So, I met this tall, sexy girl and totally wanted to make out with her. She was funny and had a really great smile. One night I was hanging out with some guys from Rocky and Shavon was there, too. it was me, her and two guys who were a couple at the time. I forget if anyone else was there. At one point, we were all watching porn in one of the guy's, Ceaser's, bedroom. I forget who suggested it, but I am always up for watching porn in a group; it's funnier that way. Ceaser pulls up some files on his PC and we watch for a bit, passing commentary on how gay porn is just as lame and silly as regular porn.

Ceaser found it disturbing and hilarious that I, the hetero guy, was watching the homo porn, but it's all porn to me. At some point, me and Shavon leave the bedroom and are talking in the living room. I forget how many times we had spoken before this night, but I had tried to flirt with her and was wondering if she liked me at all. I have never been good at flirting or getting dates, but I was hoping Shavon might be into me because I was head over heels for her. She was just really exciting. She was unlike any girl I had met before in that she was really geeky, loud, silly, strong willed, and was into porn. I really wanted to be her guy.

So, we're talking about our pasts and whatnot and we are on the couch and she remarks how she is a bit tired. I tell her she can rest on my shoulder if she wants. We rearrange ourselves and we lounge on the couch so she is sort of using me as a pillow with her back to me. I wrap my arm around her waist and we cuddle as we talk.

It was a really sweet moment. Ceaser came out at some point and smiled and made some teasing comment than left us alone. Shavon snuggled closer to me and I stroked her hair a bit. I was slightly unsure of myself, but was determined not to come across as a spaz. I tried not to think about anything else and just enjoy her warm body against mine. It was a pleasant sensation and I really enjoyed holding her. We talked for a bit, and I think she eventually got up after I said something weird. Can't really remember.

Nothing ever became of that night. I didn't get the impression she was into me, and even if I had felt that, I was a huge dork back then so I had no idea how to really make a play for a girl as pretty as Shavon. I found out years later that she actually did like me, and was a bit surprised and a little sad that I had not asked her out, but I have always been bad at interpreting signals. Sure, we had cuddled, but I really was just being friendly. I wanted to kiss her and date her, but I had no idea how to convey that.

Not really sure what I was going for with this random moment, but there you have it.

5:18pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 7
Day 7-your best friend

I have had a few best friends over the years, and miss them all, but my current one is a true diamond in the rough of my life. I actually know two dear people I consider best friends, but only one of them has managed to stand by me thru all of my ups and downs, so I shall write about him today.

I met Jason in 1998, thru a guy named David. I had known David for about 2 years at that point, having met him in algebra class in 1995. We all went to the same high school, Redan, which was an enclave of some of the most bourgeoise and ghetto people you will ever meet. At the time, me and David were seniors and Jason was a year behind us. David invited me over to his house after school one day and Jason was there, too. I remember him looking at me as we walked up David's front stairs and his expression was blank. His eyes were bright, but there was nothing to read on his glasses protected face. David introduced us, we said hi and not much else thruout the day.

Despite our taciturn meeting, me and Jason somehow ended up becoming better friends than me and David. I really have no recollection of how it happened. It was just one of those natural progressions that happened so fast and easily that the participants don't know what happened; it just did. I remember going to his house with David one day and he was much more talkative then. I guess that's only natural when you are on your own turf and not meeting someone for the first time. I learned he liked pretty much all the same toys, cartoons, and comics that I did. He also posessed the same sarcastic wit as me. Another thing that I am sure helped to bond us was his evil step father. From the moment I met the man, I knew he was an arrogant, ignorant, beligerent, shifty-eyed lowlife who I would never like. There was just something in his demeanor that reminded me of my own evil, twisted mother, so I knew he was no good. It may just be my imagination, but I think me and Jason had some sort of telepathic link that united us against this douchebag.

Anyway, over the next year, I somehow managed to see Jason a lot more often than David. It reached the point where I was going out of my way to see Jason at school and hang out with him and his friends. After I graduated, I would actually visit Redan at least once a week just to see him. I eventually met a girl named Cody thru him and was traveling there even more often to see her, but that's a tale for another time. I don't recall if it started in my senior year or after I graduated, but me and Jason spent a lot of time in the school's media center. We had befriended the librarian and she would let us hang out during lunch and pep rallies since neither me nor Jason were fond of our schoolmates. As I said, most everyone there was either ghetto fabulous or stuck up, so we tended to stick to ourselves. Lynn the librarian was a really nice lady who was not uptight like most staff members.

We would sit in her office talking about all sorts of stuff, me and Jason usually eating Pop Tarts while we did. This time together, as well as random conversations on the phone, led me and Jason to become pretty close. A year or so later, I moved to Detroit, but then moved back. On this return, I had no place to live. I had already lived with two friend's and I had no intention of living with my sister again, as I had tried during the previous year. This is where me and Jason became the best of friends.

I ran into him on my second night back and he invited me to spend the night at his place upon hearing my plight. I had spent the previous night on a bench b/c I really had nowhere to go. If he had not seen me that night I have no idea what would have become of me b/c I did not have his address or phone number at the time. He convinced his mother to let me sleep over and we discussed what I will do. I had considered joining the Air Force, so I decided to go ahead and sign up. I don't remember who's idea it was, but I asked his mother if I could stay the few weeks I figured it would take to get the paper work in order. She agreed.

The plan was in motion, but I chickened out of enlisting and was lost again. The day I left the MEPS, I went to Redan to visit my 12th grade English teacher. I told her what was going on and she suggested I just ask Jason's mom if I could stay longer. She said I had nothing to lose and if the lady was willing to let me stay for a few weeks, she might be willing to let me stay longer. This was easier said then done because I was really scared of Jason's mom, but I asked her. She said yes. I didn't know it then, but she didn't say yes just because of my dashing good looks or charming demeanor; Jason had convinced her. I don't know what he said or how close she was to saying yes w/o him, but he went to bat for me and I will never forget that. I didn't know he had done it then, as they both never mentioned it, and even when it came out, I still didn't fully appreciate it as I do now, but it was a wonderful, magnanimous thing for him to do.

We hadn't even known each other for 2 years yet, and his mother didn't really know me at all, yet he talked her into letting me move in with the 2 of them and her 3 year old son just because I had no place else to go. He got his mother to say yes and only for $200 a month in exchange. I don't know many people who would even bother to ask on behalf of a friend, but Jason did and he is always doing stuff like that. That's just how he is. He has many sides and shades of himself, but above all else, he is a generous, giving, supportive person who puts a lot of effort into his relationships. He is what friendship is all about.

I lived with Jason's mom for almost two years. Jason moved out about 3 months after I moved in, but in that short time, we became bosom buddies, the bestest of besties, and just damn good friends. We shared so much that I really doubt I will ever be able to know someone else as well as I know him. Even writing that, I actually don't know him as well as I should, or could, but what I do know, I love. He is one of the few persons, and maybe the only male, I have ever said "I love you", to. I said it because I trust Jason, care about him, and feel connected to him like no other person.

We have had some very trying times that put horrendous strain on our bond, but we were always able to come back together. When I was at my most prideful, biased, stubborn, ignorant self, Jason was strong and was able to steer us thru the storms. Sure, we were in different ships at the time, but that's what I mean when I say he is what friendship is all about. We are at each other's throats, but he still found a way to keep us both from sinking under the waves of our respective pride and misconceptions and we came out of the problem together. I have gone thru similar things with all of my best friends, and though I came close to weathering everything with one other person, Jason is the only one who has actually been there all the time.

12 years on, thru some pretty shitty times and fights, where all my other best friends called it quits, Jason has stood by me. I am not sure if I deserve his loyalty, but I hope I can grow to be just as good a friend to him as he has been to me. I hope I can be as good a friend to everyone else I love, too.

7:26pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 6
DAY 6-your day

woke up at unknown time to people blasting a radio in the street as they worked on a neighbor's roof. Laid in bed for a long time sending out hate thoughts to the ether because I had a really bad night last night. Masturbated. Wasn't sure how to deal with today, did not want to get up, but my body finally won that battle and my mind acquiesced. It was 11:11. I made an evil wish on someone's name and then wondered if that was bad of me. Decided it probably was, but didn't care considering the person doesn't care about me. Used bathroom, drank water, got online despite not really wanting to.

Some annoying Republican made a classist, and possibly racist post on facebook and I considered unfollowing them since we don't have anything in common anyway, but decided it was no big deal. I post stupid political shit sometimes, too, and despite them being hardcore crazy, they can be funny sometimes. Found nothing else interesting on facebook or twitter nor on the news sites I visit, though I don't really care about the news right now anyway. Went to okc to re read a message I got last night and tried to figure out how to answer it, but couldn't. I fear my mood is too tainted by the other emails I got yesterday, the 2 that made me cry and want to hate everyone. I'll try to answer it tomorrow. Doubt I will be healthy enough today.

Currently lamenting the fact that I am hungry but in no mood to eat. Might go to thrift store later to find a duffle bag, might also go buy some toothpaste, salt, and dried pineapple.

It's about 1330. Just emailed someone hoping they can try seeing life thru someone elses eyes for once in their life. Have no idea if this will help, but I feel a tiny bit better after last night. Ate some cereal a little while ago. It rained here, a little cloudburst, now the sun is back and it is hot again.

Just got finished watching the book of eli. Pretty good movie. the story is a bit corny, but very well written and acted and has beautiful cinematography.

Just finished re reading The Half Blood Prince for the third time. Ate 2 strawberry Good Humour bars while doing it. it is the most well-written of the harry Potter series. It is tighter than the rest and has less punctuation mistakes. The story flows easier and has less interruptions with Rowling's ego than the other's. It is also my favorite because of Professor Snape.

it's after 7, just tried watching dr. horrible's sing along blog on netflix, but couldn't get into it. I'm in no mood to laugh and it reminds me of my ex too much. i saw it for the first time in 2008 at dragon con. me and her saw it together.

it's almost 1930 so I am gonna call it a day as I have no plans to do anything else except watch coronation street and maybe masturbate again.

12:14pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 5
Day 5-your definition of love

I don't see my definition of love as different than the dictionary's. You feel strongly attached to someone, you hold them in very high esteem and give them affection, or desire to give it to them. I guess beyond that love is a bond that is so strong it is not broken by anything. I am one of those rare persons who means it when he says "anything", so I love very few people. Another consequence of that word is that I have felt love from almost no one in my life because I am always certain they're feelings for me are very tenuous, but that's another tale.

To love means to want someone around you regardless of how they are because you want everything they are. The good is beautiful and the bad is not a problem because it is their bad and you want all of them. Loving someone does not mean they can do no wrong. It means when they do wrong you forgive them and continue on together. Loving someone doesn't mean they have no faults or bad sides, it means you don't begrudge those things. Sometimes we have to part ways from our loved ones and that's okay because we will always take them back if they return.

To love someone means you can let them leave you because you want them to be happy and fulfilled and you accept they might not always feel that way with you. At the same time, loving someone means you can feel fulfilled and happy with this person all the time. Love is not one set of ideas for all people. Love is whatever you need it to be to fit your mind.

If you want perfection in one partner and to live with them forever than that's love for you. If you feel as if you need multiple lovers in your life to receive all the fulfillment you need, that is love for you. If you can argue with someone constantly and yell at them, but also kiss them and cuddle with them afterwards, that is love for you. If you need to never argue, never fight, never disagree, that is love for you.

I could tell you that love means being able to do all of this or none of this. I could tell you that love is hard to find and you might never find it so lower your expectations. I could say a lot of things about love and they would all be true at the same time they are false. One thing I think we can all agree on is that love is powerful, dangerous, beautiful, and difficult to pin down.

I have loved a few people and fallen in love with two of them. What is the difference? I think the difference is fine and miniscule, but there nonetheless. In addition to what I said above, if I love you, I care about you and would be very upset if you died or were sad or in anyway harmed. I admire your goodness and respect your badness. I don't mind you being around and want to talk to you often. I am willing to forgive you and help you and put myself out for you. I care about you, but there is a point where I will cut ties to you. I don't know what it is ahead of time, but it can come.

If I have fallen in love with you, I feel all of that, but there is no point where I will ever want to walk away from you. No matter what I ever learn, no matter what you ever say or do, I will never abandon you. I will be yours forevermore. I will always be willing to help you, to be in your corner. I might get angry, I might feel betrayed, any number of things could happen to lessen my love, but I will eventually overcome them. Even if you tell me to leave, I would still love you. The love would hibernate until you let me back. Falling in love can be problematic because of this level of commitment. It is this heightened sense of connection that leads some lovers to become haters.

Love and hate are the same thing, just from different ends of the spectrum.

I am not sure if this makes sense, or if I expressed it correctly, but that's part of love too. We sometimes just don't understand it or how to translate it into words. Anyway, love is a beautiful thing that I hope we all can experience at some point.

10:57pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 3
Day 3-your parents

my father died young and I never really got to know him well because he divorced when I was around 4 and I didn't live with him. From what I know of him, he wasn't a bad person, just a bit of a layabout. He wasn't very smart, had no skills, and bounced from job to job thruout his life. He never remarried after his second wife and I have no idea about his love life. When we both lived in Detroit, when I was a child, he would try to see me every week. He took me to random places and bought me ice cream most times. He tried teaching me to tie my shoe when I was 9 and I finally got it a few weeks later. Not sure who taught me how to ride a bike, but I think he started the process.

I moved to North Carolina when I was 6, so didn't see him for a long time. Moved to Georgia when I was 10 after being back in Detroit for about 3 years. He moved down there when I was 14 to try finding a better job. He lived with me for about 5 months before finding his own place. He tried to become more apart of my life but he wasn't very good at it and I was very good at keeping him away. I am not the type of person who lets any random person into my life, and at that point, that's all my father was: some random dude who happened to know my name.

I wasn't mad at him and felt no ill will toward him. I simply did not know him. He was a stranger and I had no desire to change that. I had nothing to gain from it. He was only trying to move in on me for his own peace of mind, some last ditch effort to be a good father after 14 years. It was nothing personal against him, but I just wasn't going to let that happen. I have never been very family oriented just for its own sake. People I am related to are people like any other and must prove themselves to me like any other person. I give no one special treatment "just because". You have to earn it.

When I was 16, in his attempt to get close to me, he offered to pay for a martial arts school and I accepted. He paid for a few months but then lost a job or something and I had to take over. Luckily, I had a job at the time and was able to. I loved that dojo. The people there felt like the family I had never had and I was extremely sad to leave them when I lost my job a year or so later.

Whie in Georgia, my father didn't keep in touch very much. We have that in common. We are not ones to use the phone. On the rare times I saw him, it was always strained as we had nothing to discuss. It was like some guy from down the street suddenly coming up to me, asking me personal questions. At one point, he invited me to his apartment and he cooked me dinner and told me about his life. Not much, just recent stories, how he felt about never being there when i was younger, how he hoped we could grow together, and how he had recently become a Mormon.

He said he wanted to see if religion could help him get his life back on track and I guess the Mormons got to him first. Actually, no, I remember he told he liked their idea of Hell better than the other stories he had heard. Apparently, the Mormons believe there is no Hell. If you don't live a life that gets you into Heaven, then God forgets about you and lets you die. That's it. When you die you die and there is no afterlife for you. My father liked that idea since other religions beleive in the infernal pit of suffering and all that nonsense. So, one Sunday, I let him take me to a service and let me tell you: those people are just as weird as the TV shows make them out to be. Mormons are a bunch of weirdos, even for church folk.

I saw him get baptized and that was strange. He didn't stick with the religion thing and I knew he wouldn't, but I liked that he tried. We all need to try to find a path that we can survive on.

Time went on and me and him never grew closer. We tried talking more often, but there just wasn't anything to discuss. I'm a really private person who doesn't do much and he is the same. We are the same in a lot of ways and that's why we didn't get along very well. We were similar in all the negative ways.

My father died just after Christmas 2008. He was about 52. He had colon cancer. He never had any money so he never saw doctors so he never knew he had cancer until it was too late. He had developed a bowel movement problem and was taking laxatives. He started noticing blood in his stool, lots of it, so he let his father take him to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with advanced stage colon cancer the next day.

My grandfather called me around Thanksgiving to tell me what was going on. He gave me the hospital's number and I called my father. He sounded sad and tired and we spoke for a few minutes. He asked me to call him back and I said I would, but I never did. There was no particular reason for this. I am just not one to call people. I knew he was sick and I did want to talk to him, but I didn't call him. There is not always a reason for things. I just never picked up the phone. By the time I got around to thinking about it, I had had to move out of my apartment b/c I could not afford rent. I moved in with my best friend and her family.

I had also recently decided to join the Navy and then me and my friend had an argument and then my car was broken into, so I never got around to calling my father. I was at work when I checked my phone messages for the first time in a couple days. My mother had called. I called her back and she told me my father had died at the hospital 2 nights ago. I was at lunch and had suddenly lost my appetite. I just sat at the table wondering why I had not called him back.

I called my friend and asked her if she could pick me up from work early. She had dropped me off cos this was the morning after my car had been broken into. I then went to tell my manager I was leaving work cos my father had just died. When my friend arrived, I told her what had happened. I wasn't quite sure what to feel. I felt guilty and bad, but not particularly sad. It was strange.

When I spoke to my father at Thanksgiving, I had actually been looking forward to talking to him again. I wanted to get to know him more. I figured it was my duty to try a little harder, and since I didn't hate him or anything, I figured it wouldn't be so bad. I was interested in his childhood since he was half Japanese. He had told me the story of his adoption and birth and I had hoped to hear more. There wasn't a lot for him to tell me as he left Japan at 3 years of age, but I wanted to hear whatever he had to tell. My grandfather is very reticent about that time, so I doubt I will ever know more.

Even though I barely knew him, I do miss my father a bit. He was a nice guy, just lazy and unmotivated. He was funny and did try to be a better person, but for whatever reasons, he never kept it up. Perhaps I should have tried harder and sooner to get to know him. Perhaps I could have helped him stay focused. Either way, that's all done now. It's a shame I never got to say goodbye.

10:56pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 4
DAY 4-what you ate today

I consider this a pretty lame and pointless topic, but I shall put some effort into it anyway.
Haven't eaten much today. Sometimes I go all day where I eat very little, sometimes I gorge out. Just depends on mood and my body's willingness. I try to eat healthy by cuttinng out corn syrup and eating as little sodium and processed food as possible, but that is easier said than done. it's hard enought to find foods that are not pumped full of HFCS, hydrogenated something or other, and sodium and sugar, but it's even harder when you are unemployed. Anyway, I do fairly well. I eat lots of fruit and vegetables and try to eat meat in less does than usual. I cut beef out altogether last year and that's been great.

Anyway, woke up today not feeling hungry. Drank some water and took a vitamin D-3 pill as usual and puttered around room. Ate a few hours later. Went to KFC because I had a coupon. I know, fast food sucks, but I wasn't in the mood to buy groceries. So, I had a biscuit and their mashed potatoes and gravy. I think that is why I am not hungry now-too much sodium in the potatoes. Not that I need to eat more.

Just had a strawberry Good Humour bar. Wasn't as good as the one I had last night. This one was from a box from Meijer's, that one was a single from the corner store. These used to be one of my favorite frozen treats.

Had some french fries later while I read Half Blood Prince. I buy Oreda golden fries. They are the straight cut kind. I like to bake french fries as they come out better and it's less messy. I really dislike frying food nowadays b/c of the mess and added fat. Later on I had a piece of KFC chicken. Took most of the skin off and ate it cold. I didn't really want it, but ate it mostly to finish the ketchup leftover from the fries. It tasted ok. The fries were great.

Had a slice of apple pie later on. It's from Meijer, the dutch crust kind. I had been craving some last night so bought some this afternoon. Pretty sure I'm done eating for the day, but you never know with me.

6:53pm: coming soon
30 Days of You

Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

6:52pm: 30 Days of You Meme, day 2
day 2-your first love

My first love was a very beautiful time. Things went too fast and ended badly, but it was the happiest time in my life while the good lasted. Her name was Comet and we met at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. We were each other's first in all the big ways and I guess that's why things eventually turned painful.

I had recently moved back to the Atlanta area from Detroit in January 2003. In February, an old high school classmate invited me to see the RHPS. I had heard of it, but never seen it. It was a very strange experience. I knew it was a crazy movie with lots of weirdness, but I had no idea about the shadow cast. A group of people would dress up as the film's characters and perform with the movie in the front of the screen. They would interact with the audience who was just as wild and silly as the cast. There was tons of jokes and things being thrown, words were shouted and people were having a good time. I had been somewhat of a nerdy, sheltered kid, but had recently begun opening up to all of life's styles, so being there was a very eye opening experience. I instantly fell in love and wanted to go back often.

I did and began meeting the cast and audience members and found some really wonderful people. Among them was Comet. She was one of three girls I had become attached to and one of the sweetest people there. I wasn't attracted to her at first, I thought she was just really nice and funny. My attraction first landed on a beautiful redhead named Sheen, but I am a super shy nerd, so nothing came of that. I think I did ask her out, and luckily she let me down easily. Anyway, I spent a lot of time around Comet and her mom b/c the guy who had brought me liked her and usually sat near her. I would talk to her and her best friend, Alley Viper, and I began feeling like a part of the group. The cast performed every Saturday night at a small theater in the boonies of Atlanta, so I didn't go every week, but when I did, I was becoming more and more friendly with Comet.

Eventually, one of her friends mentioned something called livejournal and I asked about it. I had never heard of it before as I was not well versed with the Internet back then. It sounded like a cool idea, so I checked it out. Comet and her friend, Lebanon, gave me their screen names and I began reading their journals. I instantly fell in awe of Comet's. She wrote in such a beautiful voice. There was something unidentifiable about her words that reminded me of me. I wish I could tell you what it was, but the best I can do is say she seemed as enigmatic and wistful as I am and that attracted me. I read her journal all the time, began reading her archives, and felt something rising up in me. I had never felt as I did for another person. It was scary and exhilarating.

At some point, Comet and me began talking on AIM. I loved these conversations and wish I still had them, but my computer has been erased multiple times since 2003. We would stay up late night on many weekends just talking about randomness. As I got to know her better I realized I really liked her. She liked art, was very quirky, didn't think I was strange, had such passion for animals, architecture, and drawing and this really pulled me to her. I love people who have passions b/c they are a joy to listen to. Comet's words ignited such an affinity in me for her that I wanted to ask her out. I was too scared though, and kept waiting. One particular night on AIM, we were talking about our future dreams and Comet was going on about her love of animals and how much she wished she could work with them and design buildings all in the same job. I really wish I could tell you exactly what was said, but she said something that made me feel the happiest I had ever felt and I just blurted out,

"Will you marry me?"

It was half serious and half just my eccentric way of complementing girls. I would sometimes say it to someone I found very pretty and whose company I enjoyed. I had asked 2 others before Comet and they both took it as the flirtatious joke it was meant to be, but not her. Comet took the question seriously. She told me she was shocked and couldn't answer now, but definitely would. I was not sure how to react. I was frozen and many thoughts were in my head. She signed off AIM cos it was really late and she had school in the morning and I was left wondering what had just happened.

She sent me an email a couple days later titled "A non-response". In it she explained how we wouldn't be able to get married until after she graduated and maybe not right away even then. She asked me about where we would live and if I was prepared to know her that much more. It was all very sweet and endearing. I read it twice and wondered how to reply. Do I tell her it was not a real proposal? Was it a real proposal? I wasn't sure anymore. All I knew was that I had grown to like her very much and her assumption that I had really proposed made me feel like she was the one for me. She took my little joke and turned it tangible. I felt that meant she was different and therefore right for me. In hindsight, I was perhaps not thinking properly, but that's a whole other tale. Bottomline is I went with the flow and decided to treat my proposal and her reply as real.

I never mentioned it was just flirting and went ahead with her ideas about what we would do once she graduated. I decided I had found someone who could match me in weirdness.

Soon after that email, I headed to her house because a mutual friend from Rocky was having a birthday party there. It was a cross dressing party and a huge amount of fun. I kept stealing glances at Comet all night and she would blush and smile shyly back. The party lasted well into the early morning and I ended up sleeping over. I was in Comet's bedroom, sleeping on a mattress on her floor. We waited till we thought her parents were in their bedroom for the rest of the night and I moved to her bed. We talked about our feelings and the party and started kissing. Kissing her that night was my first real kiss in a long time. It was real because it meant something to both of us, something solid.

We told each other how we felt and officially became a couple that night in her bed. It felt really happy and surreal to tell her I loved her and to actually say that I was her boyfriend. I had never really said that before. I sort of had a girlfriend back in 1996, but it didn't last long and we weren't very good together. After her, I had tried dating a few girls over the years, but nothing ever became solid. Comet was so different and I knew that I really loved her. She made me feel wanted and as if I mattered. She made me feel like my thoughts were not trivial. I loved the way she smiled and laughed. I loved her ability to see good in many things and how concerned she was for people and animals. I loved her idosyncrocies and how we could just relax and be real around each other with no games. She seemed so genuine back then and that was rare in my life. I knew very few "real" people and Comet was realest of them all.

Our first date was to a thrift store. A big reason we got along so well was we were both not very interested in money. I like to talk about it and will spend it if I have it, but I am not concerned with wealth or material things in any significant way. I don't care and I am quite thrifty. Comet is too, but on a much deeper scope. So finding a girl who actually enjoyed a thrift store was a real success for me. From there we would do things like go to parks and play on the swings. We took walks and rode the bus around town aimlessly. She would invite me to her house to play video games with her and her little sister, Blade. We just had fun, you know?

Our time together went along smashingly, and I enjoyed myself like no other time in my past. I seriously thought I had found my love and we would be together forever. That was not the case. There was never anything specific, just feelings and doubts, but I soon sensed that me and Comet might not be right for each other. I was happy, as was she, but there was something in the air that made me feel she was TOO happy. I cannot explain it. I have no idea when it came over me or if there was an impetus, but I decided that we should slow down. I loved her, but she was still in high school and neither of us had been in love before. I was afraid that if we kept going as fast as we were going tragedy would strike. I wanted to head that off, but it happened anyway.

I tried to explain my feelings to Comet, but I haver never been good at speaking aloud, and I didn't understand them myself, so I did not communicate the idea to her well at all. She reacted poorly and it was a very sad day. She was hurt and confused and so was I b/c she was obviously in so much pain. She saw me as dumping her when all I was doing was suggesting we take a break and slow down. I still wanted to be her boyfriend, but I wanted us to get to know each other at a slower pace. I did not say that, had no idea how to, and whatever I did say made her feel rejected and horrible. I left her house in tremendous emotional pain that increased to nigh unbearable levels when she came running after me, crying. I had no idea how to react.

That one day led to a lot of future problems that neither of us dealt with well for various reasons. We tried to remain friends, but could not. I hope we can call each other thusly again someday, but one never knows. It was a wonderful time while it lasted and I count Comet as one of my best friends. I have very fond memories of her and hope to be able to create more with her.

9:57pm: i am trying so fucking hard to not be a loser, but it's difficult. and i think my other secret journal was compromised. not sure if they figured out it was me, or how they found it, but they found it. i wish i knew if they told Her. but whatever. i try so hard to forget her. i do a good job most nights. i am more or less over her. don't want to kill her anymore and even sort of trust her, or at least don't think she's completely evil.

i still resent that she won't apologize, but i am close to forgiving her. i still hate that she called me dangerous and unethical when her boyfriend is the one who actually tried to rape someone, but that is slowly dying away, too. it is not my place to judge, no matter how unsavory i think the act is. and do i have the right to judge someone else anyway? i wish "moving on" were a bit less hurtful. i don't want to forget. i don't want to lose such a big part of my life. i don't think i could ever replace her or what she meant to me. i was so happy. and now she;s happy somewhere else and still looks down on me despite claiming she cares.

well i feel more than "care" damnit!

i thought...whatever.

my heart is so damn stressed. i loved that girl. and now i have to accept that we will probably never kiss or hold hands again. and i don't even care about that. she was my best friend. why does that always mean more to me than the other person? why do my best friends always feel the need to leave me? why doesn't saying you're sorry mean anything to anyone anymore? Or if it does, why can't I meet THOSE people? my other best friend, the one who has stuck by me for about 12 years, he forgave me a couple times, but she won't. i wonder if me and him will always be friends. it seems that way. i love him, but he's never said so to me. i wonder if he does, just doesn't like saying it.

finding another lover. finding a reason to live. finding a reason to hope. i am not sure i can find these things. i want to be like people who are motivated and driven and connected to others, but i fear i am thru living that way. i tried and it just wasn't me. now i have no idea what i am or if i even care to find out. i don't really care, but i am also too scared to murder myself. that's all i ever wanted, but i've been too much of a coward to go get it.

now i am sort of stuck.

10:41pm: i try real hard to find a balance in my life. i try not to want too much. i try not to be too pathetic. i try to contain my pride and other such things. i try alot of things and search many alleys for some way of being ok. if i can get to ok then i am not so bad off. but i often fail. i fail at not hating. i try to not be hateful, but that's so difficult.

i hate so many things about me, but am also grateful for many. fuck it. don;t even want to write this shit.

9:36pm: quite disconcerting
I met this girl online. I wrote her a few months ago, she didn't respond till late May. We exchanged some emails and hit it off. We got along well, were interested in the same things and disliked many of the same things. I asked her out and she didn't respond for 4 days. Said she hadn't been online, but would have loved to have seen the movie if she had seen the message in time. We set up a day to go see another movie. She said she was planning to see said movie with a friend already, but I could join them if I wanted. I said sure and the three of us ate lunch then saw the movie.

Lunch was great. We all laughed and talked and got on well. After the movie asked her if she wanted to keep hanging out, but she said she should get home, but would be glad to go out again sometime. Called her a few days later to invite her to a concert, but it was short notice and she couldn't make it. Instead, we set up to meet a couple days later after she got off work.

I didn't know how long it took her to get home from work, so i waited an hour after the time she said she got off. No answer. I waited a few hours, no call back or email to be had. I called again around 8, had left a voicemail at 330, and her mother answred phone. Said she girl was not home. Left message with mom, sent email.

This was on the 17th. Have not heard from girl since 14th. Have left more voicemails and sent a coupe emails, but have recieved no response. She has not logged onto the site I met her on, but she has been on facebook. Been considering messaging her here, but think that might not be appropriate. I have absolutely no idea what happened and no idea how to proceed.

She was a lot of fun to talk to and I'd love to be friends and more, but she apprently feels differently. I have no problem with that, but I am very confused as to what changed her mind so suddenly. Perhaps she did not change her mind and there is a good explanation as to why she has suddenly stopped communicating with me, but this sort of thing happens to me often.

I will be getting along with someone, we seem to be on the way to becoming new friends and then they stop communicating with me. No warning, no reason, no reply to inquiries as to why. Just total radio silence. It happens in many circumstances with many different types of people so there is no pattern I can see. I am the only constant in the scenarios.

People just eventually get tired of dealing with me. Doesn't matter how long I've known them or how well they seem to like me. They just disappear one day.

There are sometimes extenuating circumstances where I do know why they leave, or at least have a good idea based on the situation, but the majority of lost relationships, and those that never began, end with no warning and no known reason.

2:08am: i know you feel it, too. these words get overused: up, over, it.

i just read a post about planning vs dreaming and i think i'm a dramer. i know i am in most regards. so, what next. i have no idea. i just want to talk to someone and have a great fucking conversation all night long like in the old days. i do n ot understand why those days are gone. what happened that i have not been able to surround myself with people i can hav e great fucking conversations with all night long. when did it all go wrong and why cannot i recognize it.

9:02pm: so much to do, so much to say, so what's wrong with taking the backstreets?

i get real weird urges to write. i mean i get urges to write at the weirdest times. like now that i am working full time, and am tired when i get home, i suddenly have all sorts of shite in my head that is ready to come out. but when i was sitting around the house all day being all depressed, i couldn;t write to save my life. where is this energy when i need it?

at least i have 4 online journals, so i won;t be spamming anyone. i never really used all of them, but i will get to for awhile now. maybe i will actually produce words worth reading.

all i really want to do is love someone. i want to hold your face in my hands, stare into your eyes and tell you how much i love you. and i want you to love me back. i want us to trust each other and to always communicate our fears, dreams, hates, loves, and feelings and thoughts. i want us to do this always and honestly and freely. i want to love someone and i want her to love me back. i just want to say it and hear it said and maybe that would be enough.

11:39pm: i am most likely going to take the money i earn from this job, go hiking, and disappear into death. probably jump from a mountain pass so i don;t have to buy a gun. 30 is a nice number to go out on.

12:06am: part of me regrets not killing myself in the navy. i could have gotten that firearm and shot myself in the mouth as i have always wanted. i jujst want to be dead. and i missed another great opportunity to have a dream come true. what does that make me? i am such a fool.

sitting here with no clear thoughts. i want to be somewhere else. i need to be somewhere else. hiking, walking. where are you lisa? we had plans. please call.

3:17pm: i wish i knew what you were doing. i wish i knew what i was doing. i just want you to smile when you see me instaead of run away. i want to hear you laugh again when i speak. i want to see you sit down next to me and talk to me as if i am important. i wish you thought i was a real live boy and not a crazy, vengeful psycho. i am your friend. i humbly request that you be my friend again.

12:48am: It makes me feel sad when I stop reading someone else's entry because I think it is boring. It makes me remember that most of what I write is not exactly page turning material, but even so, I can't help what I think about other people. Just because I want people to read my stuff does not mean I am obligated to read or like theirs. I do try to read everyone;s stuff, but sometimes I just don;t care.

Whether it is because I find their actual life boring, their word choice poor, or they simply aren't saying something particularly interesting that time, I skip a lot of stuff. I feel guilty b/c I would be upset if I truly knew how many people skip my stuff as opposed to just assuming thy do.

I have been wanting to re start my hand written diary. I feel like it would be better to record my thoughts there, away from the public. I am not sure why. I think I am just no longer in the frame of mind that thinks sharing my mind with the world at large is a good idea. I am not afraid that people are laughing at me, bored by me, or not even reading, but that I am sort of taking up space. These words are personal and wouldn't mean anything to anyone unless they asked me lots of questions. If I am the only one who knows what I mean, why post my words in public?

I used to fantasize that someone would read and want to strike up a conversation, but that has only happened once and she turned out to be a wierdo. I also sometimes hope that strangers read in secret and are getting some sort of help or insight from my thoughts and feelings, but that's just silly narsiccism. So, why? I don;t know. I liked the idea of leaving the words here just because why not, but now,maybe I should rein them in. Who knows who is reading and what they saying about me or how they are using my words?

I used to like writing by hand, but fell out of the habit. Maybe doing it again would help me see some things inside me that have hitherto been invisible. Maybe I will simply feel more comfortable. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud and waiting on a train.

9:32pm: I am somewhat down today.I felt worse yesterday. Was it a depression downswing? I think so, but maybe not. I think it was mostly b/c things are not going to workout with this girl I really like. I felt like shit after we argued and it looks like she is not willing to forget the argument, but make it a big deal. Frankly, I am inclined to agree. I want things to work and would love her to be my girlfriend, but as much as we have in common, we are not compatible in key areas. Maybe it is just one area.

I am flexible and am willing to bed to please my partner, she is not. She has very rigid guidelines for what she wants in a man and she refuses to deviate. She thinks that just because she had bad luck in the past with assholes, she will have bad luck again if she compromises. I don't look at life so strictly. I know that there are some things I can't and won't compromise on, but mostly, I feel that a relationship is all about compromise and learning to accept people and all thier faults. I really like her and wishes she thought the same way, but no. And that really made me sad.

I was moping all day today and felt pretty shitty. Now, I am somewhat better. I am so damn tired of not being able to meet someone I can connect with. That is all I want. I want a partner I can love and who loves me back. I want to be accepted for all my faults and positive traits. I want to accept someone for all their good and bad traits. I want to be thought beautiful. I want to be thought cool and smart and worth something. I want someone else to think I am just perfect.

I want a girl I can sit around the house all day with and watch movies or just do nothing and she will be fine with that.
I want a girl who will tell me I just told a stupid joke.
A girl who will tell me stupid jokes and get all my obscure references, or at least most of them.
I wants a girl who thinks it is sexy for me to sing badly.
I wants a girl who likes to cook or at least likes to watch me cook.
I would love to love a girl who says gay, retarded, whatever, and your mom as much as I do.
I want a girl I can argue with and be okay with that b/c she knows arguing is natural and no big deal.
I want a girl who is devoted to me, but has a strong, independent spirit.

I want a girl I can play video games with or watch play or who likes to watch me play.
If she hates video games, I want a girl who doesn't care if I play them all night.
I want a girl who likes wrestling, watching it and doing it.
I want a girl who will help me sort my porn collection and search for better stuff.
I want a girl who likes riding bikes, swimming, doing silly things like putting food in people's mail boxes.
I want someone who is a real live girl and loves me because I am a real live boy.

I want to be happy with someone. I want to share my life with someone. I want to create an Us.

Is that too much to ask? Some nights, I think so based on my bad luck.

Please, God, help me find a girl who is not crazy, selfish, evil, bitchy, obsessed with materialism, obsessed with things she can't change, and who is not ignorant or boring. Help me find a really cool person.

3:00am: i like feeling happy. i am glad to be happy. I feel like I will be okay. how long will this confidence last? i have no clue, but that's okay, because I know I have some backup and that feels great. So, forget the past and the whore who cut me. that's gone now. not buried, but getting there, but really, fuck it. i am moving on as best I can and i am happy to do so. i hope and i pray that I am not hallucinating. doubts abound, but that's natural. I am confident i will remain happy and forward looking. yay for birds. i like birds.

12:15pm: they say I am supposed to bounce back. they say i am supposed to move on, forget the pain, get over the hurt, and just be happier. they say this while they have husbands, wives, and lovers and close friends. i lost my lover and i lost my last close friend. then i lost my ibook and the ibook i bought to repalce that one. i now have no ibook, no love, and no money, with no job. so, how exactly do i just get over that?

If i had someone to commiserate with, to cry with, to share my pain with, maybe I could get over "it", but for now, I do not. I don't want to just wallow in misery, but it's a good option right now. I am sad and see no hope on the horizon unless someone can convince my best friend to take me back. i want love and i want to be liked. i like you, i love you, i miss you.

4:09pm: Is this worth my 1st post? Damn strait.
Wake up you sleepy head.
Put on some clothes, shake out your bed.
Put another log on the fire for me!
I've made some breakfast and coff-i-hee
I Look out the window what do I see?
A crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me...
All the nightmares came today,
And it looks as though they're here to stay.

What are we coming to?
No room for me, no fun for you.
I think about a world to come,
Where the books were bound by the golden ones.
Written in pain, written in awe,
By a puzzled man who questioned
What we were here for.
All the strangers came today
and it looks as though theyre here to stay.

Oh! You pretty things! (oh you pretty things)
Don't you know youre driving your
mamas and papas insane?
Oh! you pretty things! (oh you pretty things)
Don't you know youre driving your
mamas and papas insane?
Let me make it plain!
You gotta make way for the homo superior.

Look at your children;
See their faces in golden rays.
Don't kid yourself, they belong to you.
They're the start of a coming race.
The earth is a bitch,
We've finished our news,
Homo sapiens have outgrown their use.
All the strangers came today
and it looks as though they're here to stay.
Let me make it plain!
You gotta make way for the homo superior!

What is this song about? Does it speak to you as it speaks to me? Would you speak to me about that? I'm just some dude with hopes and fears, just like you. Behave accordingly and let's explore the present together while flipping off the future.